


Drown My Sorrows

by thestoryofme13



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blood, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 09:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13051200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoryofme13/pseuds/thestoryofme13
Summary: Concept: Logan angst and alcohol (no fluff)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Blood, self-loathing, death, anxiety, alcohol

Logan had started to be burnt out, Thomas was working really hard and keeping a good schedule but it was becoming overwhelming. The amount of work and late nights that it takes to keep Thomas functioning is finally catching up with him. He knew logically that staying up late and refusing to sleep wasn’t productive but he had to keep up with everything. He knew it was his fault anytime something was delayed, he had seen the comments some people post blaming Logan for schedule changes. He felt terrible but sometimes things had moved in order to accommodate other things. He knew that they were understanding but after repeatedly letting the fans down and already being the least favorite it was too much. He makes a schedule each week but sometimes, friends and family need to come first. He understood that to an extent and knew there was no use in arguing with Patton over a schedule and personal obligations. Like Thomas had said sometimes doing the right thing means inconveniencing himself, in order to be himself. If he wasn’t ready to help anyone at the drop of a hat, then he wouldn’t be Thomas. Patton had to remind Logan constantly that there were times that the schedule had to be changed in order to accommodate the hectic lifestyle of Thomas.

Logan’s room had always been a place of comfort where reason and logic came first in order to tackle problems, but with working overtime logic and reason seemed to have taken a backseat to impulsivity and recklessness. It started with small things like staying up later than reasonable *ahem 5am.* He was tired but he couldn’t bring himself to go to bed when there was so much still to be done, he began writing ideas for videos and other things Thomas should do because maybe everyone would like him more if he was more like Roman. The problem with this is that creativity wasn’t his department and he refused to ask for help so he did what all “great” authors did and turned to alcohol. He had read in multiple biographies that alcohol can help with creativity, even though the logical side of him knew that it just impaired his judgment and dulled his senses. Sometimes it would be a glass of wine while editing and other nights where he was feeling particularly bad about himself it was a whiskey, or five. These nights were some of the hardest, after the first glass he felt fine even possibly happy. Then he decided to get on Tumblr and from there it all went downhill. Logan was looking through Sanders Sides tags and saw all the love and admiration for each of the sides, even Virgil had a bigger following and he was supposed to be the bad guy! He couldn’t take it anymore he poured himself another glass, still scrolling through and seeing all these gifs of Patton and Roman and how relatable they were for the fans. He remembered that Thomas had said that Logan provided the exposition because all the other characters were too zany or relatable, or something to that effect, he was too drunk to remember. He poured himself another drink, not really keeping track at this point when finally, he saw the post that made him want to fall asleep and never wake up. It was a gif of Logan from the fitting in video and him clapping at Patton and saying he was adorable, when Logan had originally done that it wasn’t scripted he was just frustrated that everyone was talking over him. He wanted to feel heard, listened to, and liked. At that point, he got up from his desk, but this was after three or four drinks who knows, his coordination was already bad and drinking hadn’t helped. His foot got caught on the chair leg and he hit his head on the desk on the way down. Once on the floor, he had passed out from either the injury or the alcohol or possibly both, the last thing he remembered thinking was at least he can’t mess up anything if he is dead.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: wanting to die, uselessness, anxiety, drinking, self-loathing

Even in unconsciousness, the bitter words of the fans haunted Logan, he could feel their hatred of how he treated the others. He’s never meant to be mean to the others, it was meant to be lighthearted banter, but these fans have decided that with Virgil having been accepted that they needed a new villain. It seemed they believed him to be an emotionless robot, who had no concept of what he was saying and how it could affect the others. He has praised Virgil and his intellect in My Negative Thinking Video, while he thoroughly believed everything he had said he knew the fans would take it out of context and warp it. It was somewhat surprising when a few days had passed and the fans seemed to accept that Logan was proud of Virgil and that they actually did tolerate each other. The next video he called anxiety a defeatist, from there the fandom only lost control. He had seen the messages that were posted after the video for instance, “How could Logan not notice the rejection and sadness on anxiety’s face!” The truth is he noticed and it killed him to see the anxious side recoil and look so defeated. Once back from filming that day he got reprimanded by Patton and Roman. Roman saying something to the effect of, “This is only going to add to the list of reasons why you are everyone’s least favorite!” The tone in his voice was almost casual as if Roman was bored with reminding Logan how unnecessary he was.

He knew he was everyone’s least favorite, he didn’t have to be reminded. If he ever wanted a reminder he would watch the behind the scenes video about the Sanders Sides, when Thomas was answering in what order they filmed each side the way he says Logan’s name is with such malice and hatred that it nearly breaks him. Logan knows that he isn’t typically funny, he talks a lot and can be dry but without him would the plot actually get told? He had decided long ago that if he had ever decided to “duck out” as anxiety puts it that Roman would be able to get the plot points across, he is after all the reason behind the scripts, well him and Joan. Roman would want all the praise for the script and video and therefore would ensure that it gets made exactly perfect, to boost his ego.

Of all the sides you would think Patton would be able to see how much it hurt every time he brought up Logan’s mistake of misusing “infinitesimal.” Logan knew Patton probably didn’t mean to cause him physical pain, but reliving this mistake had definitely changed him. At least once a day Logan watched the video where he misused the word and each time he felt like dying. He was supposed to be the smart one if he misused a simple word then how could he be logic? When Roman is writing the script usually all the sides sit together and bounce ideas off each other, and at least three of these sessions had ended with Logan excusing himself after Patton begs Roman to add a line poking fun at the logical sides’ mistake. Was it not enough that his one mistake was on YouTube for the rest of his life, but Patton insisted on bringing it up any chance that was given. Logan had thought that after all of his own outbursts towards the moral side concerning this situation that Patton would stop, but it seemed the more reaction Patton got from Logan the more frequent the occurrences. The fans had loved to watch Logan squirm at being reminded of what a failure he was, but what no one realized or saw was that Logan had become the mass editor for the scripts. After a script was made he would lock himself in his room for at least 24 hours and research any facts that he stated and triple check the meanings of each “big” word. The others never bothered him during this time all assuming he was making a schedule for filming times, but if they had decided to venture in the room they would have seen the disheveled looking Logan. The bags under his eyes would have put Virgil’s eyeshadow to shame, his hair was sticking up in ways that should defy gravity, he was wearing sweats and a t-shirt, which was very unprofessional. After his last mistake and all the backlash he didn’t feel he was worthy of wearing a necktie, someone serious would’ve never made the mistake he did. 

The Fitting in Video is where everything reached its climax, there was the frustration at Patton that everyone lashed out at him for but everyone else was stealing his thing. He was the logical side, the smart side if the others were able to expand their vocabulary and have the correct usage of their new words then what was his purpose. He knew that he was more than just logic but he had always been so proud of being the smartest one in the room. That’s why others being sorted into Ravenclaw bugged him as much as it did, he had always defined himself by his intelligence, if he wasn’t smart then what was he? Patton had to be needlessly goofy with his puns and it had finally gotten to Logan. He had the intention of actually walking out that door until he had cooled down or just sinking down into the common room, but then Patton had to go and say he would belong in Gryffindor, which logically made no sense he was not brave, charismatic, or reckless. Then Roman only made it worse by saying that Patton could be a Ravenclaw, this thought made him feel physically ill, if they thought that Patton was intelligent enough to be in Ravenclaw was it possible that Logan was the dumb one. Maybe Patton was smarter than Logan, he did make fair points about how Thomas should be able to be more independent and do adult things like changing his oil, but when you can’t even use the correct word for becoming an adult are you really that smart. 

After filming was finished, Logan had sunk to his room and refused to come out. That is how he ended up drinking four glasses of whiskey, crying because of his uselessness, and being unconscious on the floor because of being drunk and uncoordinated.


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: this will be the last part, I wanted to do one fic where I don’t fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: alcohol, isolation, obsession, self-loathing, bullying, cursing

Logan finally woke up his head was throbbing, he silently cursed himself blaming the alcohol nearly forgetting that hitting the desk also could have caused the same effect or at least magnified it. He looked at his watch so that he could he could gauge how much time he had lost and how much time he would have to stay up in order to make up for it. He rubbed his eyes to make sure his vision was clear but the date on the watch did not change, he had been passed out for two days! He blamed that mainly on the fact that he hadn’t slept in well over 48 hours, at this point his blood was mainly coffee. No one bothered checking on him or if they did they left him in his compromised state, he wasn’t sure which was worse. He finally made his way to his feet and stumbled into the commons, it was eerily silent, that’s when he went to the kitchen to make coffee hoping that the caffeine would offset the hangover that was somehow still around two days later. As he entered the kitchen he glanced at the calendar and then realized where everyone was, it was day one of filming the new Sanders Sides video. He knew he was useless, but he was unaware that it could be filmed without him. If he had been passed out for two days then he never learned his lines and no one was able to fact check everything! He slid down the wall with his head in his hands, it all makes sense, they never enjoyed his contributions or his obsession with every word being correct. He had been really good at pushing emotions down, dulling them with alcohol, or just literally being too tired to feel anything, but now he was sober, rested, and alone.

While Logan was passed out Roman, Virgil, and Patton had been working hard with Thomas and Joan in order to perfect this script. Joan only asked once where Logan was to which the others replied with variations of I don’t know, why, and I don’t care. Thomas had somewhat halfheartedly scolded them that they should all be a team since they are all part of him, but even he had to admit that without Logan script writing took less time. None of them thought to bother the logical side, they knew he always hid out before a video, so they left him alone. They slid the script under the door awaiting the inevitable door opening and script changes, but none ever came. Everyone took some pride in having created a script that even Logan could not tear apart.

It was bright and early the day of filming, the other sides much to their dismay had gotten their happy butts out of bed at 7:30 a.m. in an effort to end filming for that day around 4. They all were in Thomas’ living room when suddenly Roman noticed that Logan wasn’t there. He looked more annoyed than anything and turned to Virgil, “You’re closest to Logan, so you have to get him here. If he thinks he can make call time this early and then be late, he has another thing coming.” Virgil rolled his eyes obviously annoyed that the Royal couldn’t be bothered to do this trivial task himself, so he summoned Logan but nothing happened. Virgil was now feeling anxious, go figure, not because he cared for the logical side but they needed all four of them to film. He tried to summon Logan once more but still nothing. Virgil decided to sit back for a minute maybe pocket protector was getting camera ready, at that thought, he laughed like anyone was actually paying attention to him in the videos. He realized everyone seemed to be in their spots and ready to begin so he decided to try once more to summon the logical side, this time it worked. He looked where Logan appeared, obviously, Virgil was annoyed, “It is about damn time, teach.” No one else looked at Logan, no one cared enough to realize he had shown up. Virgil noticed Logan’s disheveled look but decided it wasn’t his job to take care of this other person, hell he could barely take care of himself. They start filming, Thomas does whatever it is he feels like for the intro and then it should have gone to Logan for the first line. The others turn to look at him for the first time, seeing he is not dressed how he usually does, his hair is sticking up, there is a gash on the side of Logan’s head, and he looks pale. No one makes a comment they all just look at him expectantly, finally Roman says, “It is your line! Hurry up!” Logan just looks at each of the sides and Thomas with a blank expression, finally he opens his mouth but decides to sink down to his room instead.

Once back in his room he thinks about removing his door so he can’t leave and no one can come in. He could conjure up anything he would actually need, maybe he would actually be helpful if he couldn’t leave and no one could interrupt him. He heard footsteps approaching, assuming it was the others coming to yell at him since he messed up the video he decided then that he would get rid of his door. The door was starting to fade away when Virgil, Thomas, Patton, and Roman had approached it they all started knocking at once but the door was too far gone. They all just stood in the hallway looking at where Logan’s door used to be, no one saying anything or knowing exactly what had just happened. Little did they know Logan’s room was still there he had just contained himself, he was still able to help Thomas function but human interaction and anything other than work was strictly forbidden. After two weeks of this, the other sides did notice that Thomas was functioning correctly and assumed they had been right Logan was unnecessary after all.


End file.
